Tuesday, October 23, 2012

love - selfishness...

love is definitely an outcome of a self centered nature, love can never be only giving, it is more about taking. that is also the reason why love starts diminishing when one partner reduces giving. you fail to get and hence get frustrated.. 
I have a feeling that this applies to all kinds of love. brother sister, mother - daughter. (I'm experiencing it here, although I don't expect any worldly things in return, i still want my daughter to cuddle to me. to be close to me - i think that is very selfish of me to do so, and i know there will be one day when she will move away and i will find myself to be left alone..) 
And i think all this starts when we are born. we come with that innate urge to cared for. to be loved for our own selfish good. While giving the other person happiness of doing good. as babies, as kids, as teenagers, as grown ups, as oldies.. we all want to be loved, to be taken care of.. so we deeply seek someone who will do that for us..and we keep seeking since there is no assurance of one person being with you forever due to the rule of nature. 

Saturday, October 13, 2012

a two year old / a twenty year old?

my husband tries to discipline my little one who is only 2. He was trying to ask her to put her shoes in place. In the bid of that, he told her that if she does not pick up the things - no one will talk to her. mom will not talk, dad will not talk, her grandpa (my dad in law) will not talk, and aunty (a neighbor) will not talk to her.
she listened to all that he said, and then simply walked off muttering like a twenty year old, anuty will talk to me and granpa will talk to me.
And  I suddenly felt like it was me talking when I was twenty. the same rebel attitude. it was fascinating as well as a little astonishing the way she walked off. I wonder how would she say this again.

Monday, October 1, 2012

life's teaching me lessons. thank you life.

these ten days have been eventful. some events were unexplained, some were. some taught a few things while some just added in stress.
I think it all started with the un-explainable loss of new phone. Was it destined, was it a sign, an omen that I was gonna face a much much bigger event in life.
My husband was admitted into a hospital due to fever. things, test diagnosis led to a conclusion that he needed to operated. He needed an open heart surgery. All that build up a lot of pressure. Especially, since his family members, - his elder brother and probably his father who kept changing his mind were against the surgery. (His elder brother was a Medical rep for sometime and believes that Doctors do surgery only to create money). They kept cursing my decision and regardless to say me.
here I very well know, that now these two people will lie, Oh no we never were against the surgery, we were just against a hasty decision. this will be the cover up line so that people don't blame them and they save their asses.
And I am not sure if there is very little time for a life saving decision then whether it is called as hasty.

Lesson learnt : people keep thinking about money and their egos irrespective of the situation and at such time it is extremely difficult to think in real good - i.e combining emotions (my love for my husband) + rationally ( to think about the pros and cons of the operation) That actually consumed loads of energy from my brain. I felt I was too young for a situation like that. Although I knew very well what I was doing. I must thank my mother, father and my education which has enabled me to take good decisions. Although I had a strong backing to my decision by my uncle who is a MD doc too.

then was the surgery. I was weak in my knees. I wanted to see my decision to work. 1. to see my husband alive and away from danger, i loved him so much. 2. to prove i was right in the decision. ( here I was also satisfying my ego in a condition like that, although that was the last priority at that moment. I was also trying to make myself safe) I think all this was very human, very likely for anyone in that situation. Since my in laws curse me and hold me responsible for my mom-in-laws cancer (I just wrote about it in my last blog)

lesson learnt :  come what may, at times one needs to take decisions, whose results are arbitrary, some times life threatening too. this was a perfect test to see where did I fare in calculative risk taking.

The surgeon is the best in Pune - Dr. Ranjith Jagtap, he was a colleague to my uncle and that helped me get to him earlier than others. they diagnosed a big thing - a valve damage within 2 days. by Dr. Neelkanth Bapat and the technician Aparna. I think this was sheer luck - a part of destiny.

lesson learnt : there are so many things which cannot be explained. like everything falling in place in this part of the whole event.

I appealed to all my FB and gmail friends to pray for him. I was weak in my knees when the procedure was on. I did not even get up for the washroom. I was almost glued to the chair. And when i did move for 4- 5 mins, this did come to my mind, this time is so much. I just hope all's well. I came back, and the doc was telling his relatives that the operation was successful. The doc waited for me come, he handed over the valve box, which I will have to preserve for Shri's next operative / whatever procedure comes his way. Since this valve is ought to last for minimum 10 years and maximum 20 years.
there was a drastic 180 degree turn in my mood - I was immensely happy that all went well. And that I could see my husband. Yes we had a few, a lot of differences after baby birth, but that does not reduce the love that we had sometime ago. I was overjoyed..

Lesson learnt : it all went well. Prayers work. they do.

this was probably not enough. My dad in law picked my daughter almost snatched her from the person I had kept her with, since her creche had a holiday. that woman called me up. I was alone in the hospital. It was again another moment of tension. more of panic. he must have done that since he disapproved that lady I had kept her with or whatever. on phone he said he would be kicking me out of the house would take care of my daughter. Now that was really difficult. I must say at that moment, my daughter became more important to me. I called up someone to be around and went back hastily to pick my daughter. I felt much more insecure.

here again i know he will lie, since no one saw / heard my dad in law saying this, since this was over phone. these people have tried picking on things like this.

Lesson learnt : How much ever you love your husband/ spouse, if you are a mother, your child is your first love forever in life.

While I know that my dad in law and brother in laws will try to influence various things so that they would be successful to keep me away from my husband or at least create nuances, which they have been creating ever since (I guess that's human behavior too based on the Indian caste system - I don't belong to the same caste that Shri does), which he has been trying ever since he know of our marriage. But I have reached a point of satisfaction now, that I have done what was my responsibility at that moment for my love. I was true in every sense that I did it.

I just hope that this episode actually gives my husband a fresher perspective to life. and a better life for us, he, me and our daughter to live together happily ever after.

And I felt I should write this down, so that the pressure on my mind releases a little. Although I had my friends, ,my people with me. The same people who have been with me during the thick and thins.

I am gonna go back to my work - which is again a source of immense pleasure and satisfaction. And I am happy though thatI have got my own self back. a more confident, responsible and a no-fear person I was before my baby was born.

All I can say is thank you life.  for being there for me.