Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I just remembered I used to be very independent enough to live on my own terms

I kept asking God, Why me. Why all the trouble to me at such turbulent time, when I was physically weak due to baby birth, pregnancy whatever. Or I simply got used to the help offered by everyone when I was pregnant.
And then at the same time I was also more linked to people who were very much pampered in their lives. Be it home, in laws, hubby, wherever. At least it looked like they were super pampered in their FB statuses and photos.
I started expecting the same from my own surroundings.I started expecting help, chivalry and what not from the people around me.And that made me weaker psychologically than I really was physically. Off course I have gone weak due to the baby. But the psychological weakness had added in.If I was 80% physically weak, I added the remaining 20 % psychologically to it.
I just had an accident yesterday. A car dashed in, it was a very crowded signal area. And my activa fell from my hands. I did not get hurt. But what really hurt me was that I was not able to pick up my Activa. No one really helped me to pick it up either. Off course because they were all busy wading off the signal. And why would they.
This just made me realize, I used to much much stronger enough before. To the extent of not asking or not needing help at all. In fact the situation was completely opposite. I used help rather. in whatever, physical or psychological problem. It would be a little exaggerated statement if I say, I was self dependent and hence independent. I had suddenly started expecting help instead. How on earth would people understand that I needed help. Even if I do tell them, people were not used to helping me around, instead they relied on me. And I think this was the greatest mistake I did not make on purpose, but which happened. Thank god I realized it.
And sometimes it just comes to my mind. Yes I have live a very tough independent life.I just remembered I used to be very independent enough to live on my own terms, make my own mistakes, learn from them. But some day, I am gonna be reduced to one physically weak person, some day. I should still be able to pick myself up then too. I should realize that it is not good expect anything from anyone. I pray I should have all the power to remain independent through life. 

Friday, August 17, 2012

just a way to get back..

I remember my mom used to scold me, beat me up, madly. and then never pick me up and kiss me and say its ok darling. she never did that. instead she used to start behaving normally, asking me to come and have food, or whatever. my husband also never does that.
But I see that happening on the TV, I read it everywhere. That it is good to make up after u fight.
I see there are so many times, when the hero kisses the girl and says sorry.
but then its screen and its gonna be so. But somewhere it should be a reflection of reality.
Now-a-days, there are times, when I do feel like telling things firmly to my kid, which she should not do. I am NOT gonna scold her ever. not even avoiding. But i don't know I don't want to react on her. I wonder how would i make up if I ever scold her. I love her so much. simply so much.
the other day, we were discussing, and i got an opinion that kids are mere a responsibility. I disagree. I think they are love. pure love. happiness. u can forget forget everything in life. but they are individuals. I need to be able to keep away on that part of creating super-impression on my child. I should let her grow as she does. But would there be times, I am sure there would time when I would need to tell her firmly about not doing something. I just wonder how would I do that? or am I doing it already. 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

and then that's what friends are for?

I was thinking of our society being a place where we stay together. We are born and we have our parents around us. I think they understand us on intuition. An intuition which also speaks of their own experience. I used to love books as a kid. I love them today also. My daughter who is just 2 loves books too. Here I use my intuition that since she is my genes, she would behave like me. And then the whole world says, your parents understand you very well. In fact here is the place when you get used to being with someone. being in a company.
In fact everyone who stays with you for more than some amount of time, starts knowing you. slowly. slowly. This slow is a little more slow in case the people are introverts. for people who don't talk, everyone thinks and decides differently for that person. Everyone uses his/ her prejudices (there is no person without prejudices ever), past experiences to try to make out what the person is. And then there are lot of times when they are wrong. and then keep building in their own thoughts over thoughts and eventually they make a perfect picture (in their minds) about u.Then it is really difficult to erase that picture. The picture when erased causes burns/ or inappropriate marks which breaks or makes relationships.
After parents, you have friends who understand you, you feel they understand you. There are friends who are friends only because they need you. But then don’t you also need them sometimes? Aren't there times when you feel there should be someone who simply understands u like your mom did? And then there are times when you feel the need of company, good company, where you can be yourself. Like your mom’s company. Yes she would scold you, beat you, she might not be the best mom. But you can mostly be yourself with her. Then there are friends too with whom you can be yourself.
But then what happens when you tend to go a little overboard due to whatever reasons, hormones, habits, tension whatever. Then do you expect someone to understand you, make you sit quietly, tell you take few breaths and be calm? You do, expect.
then it sometimes comes in my mind, that at times It’s just that you only need company with no taglines like love, friendship, relationship, acquaintance attached. This company then leads to relationships further.
Its just that one relationship ends, one company ends, then u tend to seek new company which leads to new relations, new friendship, love, whatever the consequence, this must be an ever going cycle.