Monday, December 17, 2012

redefining friendship yet again/ time heals and disappears

After meeting so many friends in my way to this birthday, I met my friend Preeti, long lost - that is exactly some 15-16 years back when we were in 9 th standard of school.
we lived next doors and were together since 6 th standard, (approx) we shared every single thing that came to mind. the teenage friends we were... so many secrets.. oh my god.. Comparatively, we live a very open life now.
We shared lives, spaces..We went for a walk with my sister's pet dog then. Went to cycling, played together for long. But went to different schools. and then one fine day separated due to a little squabble more so a misunderstanding put in by her school friend.
We linked on Facebook last year, and suddenly felt like catching up. She asked me for a suitable date for the meeting and I roped in my own birthday. I felt that would make my day special and it did. She made my day. (she wasn't aware of the birthday, which was good in a way).
I was little hesitant, of how would she react/ behave/ i don't know/ the fear of unknown..
We met and chatted for longgg.. we almost picked up from where we had left. It was like the 15-16 years had melted away. Time had healed and disappeared too. I felt so good. I m sure she did too. It was a mutual feeling. There were no apprehensions around. I did not feel the slightest urge to think what I was talking. the conversation had a natural flow. the reactions were true, there were reactions not responses.
This incident made something come to my mind.. if time heals, will time heal what is going on in my life now by being away? is it possible that time would heal while am here too? i don't know..
but She suddenly made me believe in love and friendship again...
sometimes it come to my mind, there must be a list of people I will be meeting.preset. preset on how much time will they be with me. It's just that some people make us feel comfortable with them than the others. Some people are thrust upon involuntarily and some are lovingly attached.
The feeling I had when I met Preeti cannot be explained (in spite of trying to explain through this blog) but the relation we shared as kids is much different than with any of friends as a child. And now as grown ups, I would love to be the same we did as kids. Yes we would be presses in for time, due to responsibilities, but I think that's ok. Time can be sorted out. :) 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

love - selfishness...

love is definitely an outcome of a self centered nature, love can never be only giving, it is more about taking. that is also the reason why love starts diminishing when one partner reduces giving. you fail to get and hence get frustrated.. 
I have a feeling that this applies to all kinds of love. brother sister, mother - daughter. (I'm experiencing it here, although I don't expect any worldly things in return, i still want my daughter to cuddle to me. to be close to me - i think that is very selfish of me to do so, and i know there will be one day when she will move away and i will find myself to be left alone..) 
And i think all this starts when we are born. we come with that innate urge to cared for. to be loved for our own selfish good. While giving the other person happiness of doing good. as babies, as kids, as teenagers, as grown ups, as oldies.. we all want to be loved, to be taken care of.. so we deeply seek someone who will do that for us..and we keep seeking since there is no assurance of one person being with you forever due to the rule of nature. 

Saturday, October 13, 2012

a two year old / a twenty year old?

my husband tries to discipline my little one who is only 2. He was trying to ask her to put her shoes in place. In the bid of that, he told her that if she does not pick up the things - no one will talk to her. mom will not talk, dad will not talk, her grandpa (my dad in law) will not talk, and aunty (a neighbor) will not talk to her.
she listened to all that he said, and then simply walked off muttering like a twenty year old, anuty will talk to me and granpa will talk to me.
And  I suddenly felt like it was me talking when I was twenty. the same rebel attitude. it was fascinating as well as a little astonishing the way she walked off. I wonder how would she say this again.

Monday, October 1, 2012

life's teaching me lessons. thank you life.

these ten days have been eventful. some events were unexplained, some were. some taught a few things while some just added in stress.
I think it all started with the un-explainable loss of new phone. Was it destined, was it a sign, an omen that I was gonna face a much much bigger event in life.
My husband was admitted into a hospital due to fever. things, test diagnosis led to a conclusion that he needed to operated. He needed an open heart surgery. All that build up a lot of pressure. Especially, since his family members, - his elder brother and probably his father who kept changing his mind were against the surgery. (His elder brother was a Medical rep for sometime and believes that Doctors do surgery only to create money). They kept cursing my decision and regardless to say me.
here I very well know, that now these two people will lie, Oh no we never were against the surgery, we were just against a hasty decision. this will be the cover up line so that people don't blame them and they save their asses.
And I am not sure if there is very little time for a life saving decision then whether it is called as hasty.

Lesson learnt : people keep thinking about money and their egos irrespective of the situation and at such time it is extremely difficult to think in real good - i.e combining emotions (my love for my husband) + rationally ( to think about the pros and cons of the operation) That actually consumed loads of energy from my brain. I felt I was too young for a situation like that. Although I knew very well what I was doing. I must thank my mother, father and my education which has enabled me to take good decisions. Although I had a strong backing to my decision by my uncle who is a MD doc too.

then was the surgery. I was weak in my knees. I wanted to see my decision to work. 1. to see my husband alive and away from danger, i loved him so much. 2. to prove i was right in the decision. ( here I was also satisfying my ego in a condition like that, although that was the last priority at that moment. I was also trying to make myself safe) I think all this was very human, very likely for anyone in that situation. Since my in laws curse me and hold me responsible for my mom-in-laws cancer (I just wrote about it in my last blog)

lesson learnt :  come what may, at times one needs to take decisions, whose results are arbitrary, some times life threatening too. this was a perfect test to see where did I fare in calculative risk taking.

The surgeon is the best in Pune - Dr. Ranjith Jagtap, he was a colleague to my uncle and that helped me get to him earlier than others. they diagnosed a big thing - a valve damage within 2 days. by Dr. Neelkanth Bapat and the technician Aparna. I think this was sheer luck - a part of destiny.

lesson learnt : there are so many things which cannot be explained. like everything falling in place in this part of the whole event.

I appealed to all my FB and gmail friends to pray for him. I was weak in my knees when the procedure was on. I did not even get up for the washroom. I was almost glued to the chair. And when i did move for 4- 5 mins, this did come to my mind, this time is so much. I just hope all's well. I came back, and the doc was telling his relatives that the operation was successful. The doc waited for me come, he handed over the valve box, which I will have to preserve for Shri's next operative / whatever procedure comes his way. Since this valve is ought to last for minimum 10 years and maximum 20 years.
there was a drastic 180 degree turn in my mood - I was immensely happy that all went well. And that I could see my husband. Yes we had a few, a lot of differences after baby birth, but that does not reduce the love that we had sometime ago. I was overjoyed..

Lesson learnt : it all went well. Prayers work. they do.

this was probably not enough. My dad in law picked my daughter almost snatched her from the person I had kept her with, since her creche had a holiday. that woman called me up. I was alone in the hospital. It was again another moment of tension. more of panic. he must have done that since he disapproved that lady I had kept her with or whatever. on phone he said he would be kicking me out of the house would take care of my daughter. Now that was really difficult. I must say at that moment, my daughter became more important to me. I called up someone to be around and went back hastily to pick my daughter. I felt much more insecure.

here again i know he will lie, since no one saw / heard my dad in law saying this, since this was over phone. these people have tried picking on things like this.

Lesson learnt : How much ever you love your husband/ spouse, if you are a mother, your child is your first love forever in life.

While I know that my dad in law and brother in laws will try to influence various things so that they would be successful to keep me away from my husband or at least create nuances, which they have been creating ever since (I guess that's human behavior too based on the Indian caste system - I don't belong to the same caste that Shri does), which he has been trying ever since he know of our marriage. But I have reached a point of satisfaction now, that I have done what was my responsibility at that moment for my love. I was true in every sense that I did it.

I just hope that this episode actually gives my husband a fresher perspective to life. and a better life for us, he, me and our daughter to live together happily ever after.

And I felt I should write this down, so that the pressure on my mind releases a little. Although I had my friends, ,my people with me. The same people who have been with me during the thick and thins.

I am gonna go back to my work - which is again a source of immense pleasure and satisfaction. And I am happy though thatI have got my own self back. a more confident, responsible and a no-fear person I was before my baby was born.

All I can say is thank you life.  for being there for me. 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

does anyone has the power to bring in death in reality?

And I always wanted to write about this. People in my husband's house call me apshakuni - saying I brought in Death and sickness to their house.My mother in law was diagnosed with cancer after i came into the house. Yes my in laws did not treat me well nor do they treat me well today, since I belong to another caste and we had a love marriage. But that would not mean I wish for death for anyone, even to my worst enemy. why would I ..
And even if I did. I was thinking would I be able to bring in Death? Would I be able to induce Cancer in a person? Would I be kill anyone at all. And If I was really apshakuni, then why did people in my house live, in fact anyone who came in contact live at all? they would all be dead .. all would have cancer by now. This is absurd. I can understand, people of Dad- in -law's age who are brought up in superstitious male chauvinist era to think so. It is really disturbing when my husband says so. He said as an answer to the little quarrel in house. But this also means that deep in his mind, he thinks I killed his mother. That hurts.
Sometimes it just comes to my mind, that the caste system, superstitions have never gone away. Similar to that concept of fat cells, they never go away they simply are reduced in size. Anyone brought up in a superstitious house ought to be superstitious forever. Education and other things are simply covers on the top. They don't really change the within of a person to really make him/ her to think logically, that how can someone kill someone and moreover induce cancer - which is something that the Doctors are also trying to find since ages. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Einsteins theory of relativity

the theory of relativity, or simply relativity, generally encompasses two theories of Albert Einsteinspecial relativity and general relativity.[1] (The word relativity can also be used in the context an older theory, that of Galilean invariance.)
Concepts introduced by the theories of relativity include:
  • Measurements of various quantities are relative to the velocities of observers. In particular, space and time can dilate.
  • Spacetime: space and time should be considered together and in relation to each other.
  • The speed of light is nonetheless invariant, the same for all observers.
exactly today, 3 years ago, I lost my mom to eternity and today my new nokia lumia. But Einstein's theory of relativity works, the lost phone does not hurt as much.
I still remember that night when she left for the heavenly abode. I still don't want to see her picture hanging on the wall. I want to believe she is there. It's not that I don't think of all this everyday, but today the memories get more grim. they tend to trouble more. The complete incident actually runs through my open eyes again and again. 
Maybe I was in these thoughts, and I left or dropped my mobile somewhere. I had just bought that phone. it is not that I have loads of money and so I don't care. But truly, after my mom's loss and then my baby coming in this worlds, which was the consequent event, I don't really feel that love or attachment towards worldly things.
I used to be so mean before. i use to not allow people to touch my sketch pens which is quite a little thing to share, to give away. 
Today I don't really feel that. After Mom's gone, I know, come what may she will not be back. that was a huge treasure. I got another treasure, my daughter. I don't think there could be anything above this. 
these worldly man - made things and gonna come and go. But the God made are ought to stay forever, if not physically in my memory, till I succumb to eternity one day. 
It kept striking my mind - why am i not sad for my mobile loss? i did take the essential steps to inform police etc..How could i take it so lightly? But I did not panic, like i would have done 3 years back. And i know the answer  it is just the theory of relativity, since the huge loss of not having mom is much much more, the phone loss is almost nothing - negligible here. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I just remembered I used to be very independent enough to live on my own terms

I kept asking God, Why me. Why all the trouble to me at such turbulent time, when I was physically weak due to baby birth, pregnancy whatever. Or I simply got used to the help offered by everyone when I was pregnant.
And then at the same time I was also more linked to people who were very much pampered in their lives. Be it home, in laws, hubby, wherever. At least it looked like they were super pampered in their FB statuses and photos.
I started expecting the same from my own surroundings.I started expecting help, chivalry and what not from the people around me.And that made me weaker psychologically than I really was physically. Off course I have gone weak due to the baby. But the psychological weakness had added in.If I was 80% physically weak, I added the remaining 20 % psychologically to it.
I just had an accident yesterday. A car dashed in, it was a very crowded signal area. And my activa fell from my hands. I did not get hurt. But what really hurt me was that I was not able to pick up my Activa. No one really helped me to pick it up either. Off course because they were all busy wading off the signal. And why would they.
This just made me realize, I used to much much stronger enough before. To the extent of not asking or not needing help at all. In fact the situation was completely opposite. I used help rather. in whatever, physical or psychological problem. It would be a little exaggerated statement if I say, I was self dependent and hence independent. I had suddenly started expecting help instead. How on earth would people understand that I needed help. Even if I do tell them, people were not used to helping me around, instead they relied on me. And I think this was the greatest mistake I did not make on purpose, but which happened. Thank god I realized it.
And sometimes it just comes to my mind. Yes I have live a very tough independent life.I just remembered I used to be very independent enough to live on my own terms, make my own mistakes, learn from them. But some day, I am gonna be reduced to one physically weak person, some day. I should still be able to pick myself up then too. I should realize that it is not good expect anything from anyone. I pray I should have all the power to remain independent through life. 

Friday, August 17, 2012

just a way to get back..

I remember my mom used to scold me, beat me up, madly. and then never pick me up and kiss me and say its ok darling. she never did that. instead she used to start behaving normally, asking me to come and have food, or whatever. my husband also never does that.
But I see that happening on the TV, I read it everywhere. That it is good to make up after u fight.
I see there are so many times, when the hero kisses the girl and says sorry.
but then its screen and its gonna be so. But somewhere it should be a reflection of reality.
Now-a-days, there are times, when I do feel like telling things firmly to my kid, which she should not do. I am NOT gonna scold her ever. not even avoiding. But i don't know I don't want to react on her. I wonder how would i make up if I ever scold her. I love her so much. simply so much.
the other day, we were discussing, and i got an opinion that kids are mere a responsibility. I disagree. I think they are love. pure love. happiness. u can forget forget everything in life. but they are individuals. I need to be able to keep away on that part of creating super-impression on my child. I should let her grow as she does. But would there be times, I am sure there would time when I would need to tell her firmly about not doing something. I just wonder how would I do that? or am I doing it already. 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

and then that's what friends are for?

I was thinking of our society being a place where we stay together. We are born and we have our parents around us. I think they understand us on intuition. An intuition which also speaks of their own experience. I used to love books as a kid. I love them today also. My daughter who is just 2 loves books too. Here I use my intuition that since she is my genes, she would behave like me. And then the whole world says, your parents understand you very well. In fact here is the place when you get used to being with someone. being in a company.
In fact everyone who stays with you for more than some amount of time, starts knowing you. slowly. slowly. This slow is a little more slow in case the people are introverts. for people who don't talk, everyone thinks and decides differently for that person. Everyone uses his/ her prejudices (there is no person without prejudices ever), past experiences to try to make out what the person is. And then there are lot of times when they are wrong. and then keep building in their own thoughts over thoughts and eventually they make a perfect picture (in their minds) about u.Then it is really difficult to erase that picture. The picture when erased causes burns/ or inappropriate marks which breaks or makes relationships.
After parents, you have friends who understand you, you feel they understand you. There are friends who are friends only because they need you. But then don’t you also need them sometimes? Aren't there times when you feel there should be someone who simply understands u like your mom did? And then there are times when you feel the need of company, good company, where you can be yourself. Like your mom’s company. Yes she would scold you, beat you, she might not be the best mom. But you can mostly be yourself with her. Then there are friends too with whom you can be yourself.
But then what happens when you tend to go a little overboard due to whatever reasons, hormones, habits, tension whatever. Then do you expect someone to understand you, make you sit quietly, tell you take few breaths and be calm? You do, expect.
then it sometimes comes in my mind, that at times It’s just that you only need company with no taglines like love, friendship, relationship, acquaintance attached. This company then leads to relationships further.
Its just that one relationship ends, one company ends, then u tend to seek new company which leads to new relations, new friendship, love, whatever the consequence, this must be an ever going cycle.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


so, what are your hobbies? this question is so much easier as kids. And so much difficult after having kids.
Out of curiosity, I asked a  new colleague, what are your hobbies. He was quick in answering them. I did not anticipate that this question  will strike me back. I was asked, " what are your hobbies".
And I instantly said, painting. (is this a hobby for me as yet?) I look forward to make a great painter out of me when I die, so that my daughter has a few things to be proud of her mom. then was cooking (oh this has turned into another hobby after she is born) I want her to taste every taste while she is growing. I want to hand cook it for her, because I love her so much!. and then I remembered, oh reading was one of the best things, i would do. And it would 2 whole years, that i have finished a book. It took me memory to remember that I had a hobby.
A hobby according to me is something that u ought to do in free time (which i don't find since I got married), something that will make u feel great (which I think is passion - painting). how i miss those days, when i used to finish a book in a day. now, I am sure its not my speed of reading but the amount of other things in my mind that reduce my speed.
sometimes it just comes to mind, that it is high time i accept things have changed, so should me hobbies since my priorities have changed. 

Monday, May 28, 2012

5 years to go

this has been my observation for sure now!.. 
A friend (in fact a couple) was just successful in turning their relationship to marriage. I saw the guy closely trying to woo the girl. And he was successful in 5 years (almost). 
A professional graduation degree in India takes 5 years to complete. 
Sonia Gandhi took exactly 5 years to learn Hindi well enough, unlike the earlier hand waving that she used to do. 
I took 5 years of study (now again not literally) to break in an entrance exam for a college i wanted to be in. This is just an observation. 
I am not sure if it applies everywhere, but I think it applies some cases. Or rather - I would say, If I have a goal, I ought to achieve in 5 years provided that i am taking efforts to achieve it. 
It hence comes to my mind, lets take up another goal for another 5 years so that I see it succeeding after 5 years. Taken up a few though. Hope this works. :) 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Sometimes mediocrities unite, and then you fail to find yourself there. and you feel you are away from the crowd. why is it so difficult to mix up at times. Because you don't find people talk on your level. It is not important about the height (metaphorically) of the level. But there are times when you really cant mix up and feel oh God you can't lower yourselves to this level only to be a part of the group, especially when all that's in the group is one person who licking the other person's ass only to get some goodies. It is awful.
And there are times when you need to see these mediocrities around. In fact a lot of times. You cannot expect everyone to be on the same level as you. It is not about where you are/ or at what level at that time. sometimes all you have to do is bear mediocrity..

Friday, April 13, 2012

stand still..

And sometimes you know you are standing there at the shore and you know the tide is going to hit you, there is no escape, it's too big. You need to stand still till it subsides. It depends whether you are strong enough to bear it. sometimes it might just take longer than usual, all you need to do is stand still, stand till u can. It is a testing time ahead. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

the self-less ness - altruism.

I just heard the interview of the Lady- Ravi Paranjape (the famous artist/ illustrator/ writer) 's wife from Pune. She has stood by him actually through the thick and thins of life. Self-less ly. It is so unimaginable to me. Giving all life another person, that in an arranged marriage. That is so so very good. I have a love marriage. I still can make an honest confession, that I cannot give away all from me to my husband, or rather anyone. I will still try to take some me time, some time for my activities - whatever. Although I have seen my mom also doing the same.In spite of the fact that she was a working woman she still was involved in every single that Dad did, She supported him. regardless.
What I will do is if it is viable option to go that way etc etc.What not. I heard the interview for almost 4 times. the lady is so much in love with what her husband does, supports him throughout and she has taken care of her spastic child throughout too...I felt Oh I am so selfish. People have to face so much in life. What we see is the surface that seenms polished. Same is the case with My Principal Patil Sir's wife. She has also given her life to the artist, I think that has actually helped him. I keep saying that Sir, I want a wife too.. like aunty.
But that's being selfish, I need to wish to be like her. self-less. and still take responsibilities of life.
There on I decided, I will Give, all that I can. I suddenly got this inspiration and hence I want to act upon it. I want get back to the altruistic myself where in happiness is immense, much more than today.  

the women-ly feeling.

its high time I am on the other side of the grass and I feel the other- other side is more beautiful. I was just thinking.. Born as a girl (thank God in an educated family to an educated couple(who did not have a problem with having a girl child- as these days people use their education to kill female foetus)) that I survived. Came in, saw the world. As far as I can remember, Mom always reminded me that I am a girl, not in the wrong sense though. That she did not remind me that I belonged to someone else and one day I will get married and only look after the kids and dishes. But instead she reminded me of being a girl to be safe from all the impurities in the world. She taught me how to protect myself (No, I did not join Karate, my younger sister did :) ) I remember she saying a lot of times, that men want to have wives like Shridevi (a star actress then) that she should be beautiful, as well as performing.
Then I was the daughter - not allowed to do so many things in life. I always felt I should have been a boy, so much of freedom to them. Gosh! I had to obey a lot of things, I was more of the girl- girl types. My sister was the tomboy and smarter to face the world. I felt i will be able to behave like I wished to when i will grow up, earn on my own, have my own loving husband.
Aah! then I became the wife - no stopping still - Had a lot more to do - Work, study, look after - oh oh my.. No i could not do things I wished too, In fact i had even more responsibilities. To study - to earn- to manage home- what not.
And now Mom! this is a role I love to play, because of the innocent - no conditions love that i get from my daughter.. A lot more responsibilities.  
But the point is in this how many times have I lived my dream? What comes to my mind is-I guess I am not alone. there are so many Woman achievers I need to learn from. They also must be having all these sets of responsibilities. If not the same, but similar. I think I need to Push myself harder to do what I wish to do in this lifetime, because there would not be another time where I can be. 

Monday, April 2, 2012

the kiddish friendship. :)

yes i think it is important i write this.
There are times when friend-ships are hurt. I have this great friend,. Who I felt understood me very well without saying anything, so did i understood her too. So what if we did not know the knitty gritty details of what happened in each others lives, We were truly in love before (she is a girl friend) .... And then everything went wrong. OH but i need to mention that the whole misunderstanding started because of un-friending activities, which none of us did, on the Facebook.. It just happened and none of us knew how.
She spoke something and and I took it wrongly, and I did something and she took it wrongly. And all that lead to a huge mess.
Oh God, that's bad. We talk about friendships being made, nurtured and kept all way. And I agree she was such a friend, A special for me. Then why on earth did all the misunderstanding happen.
But we sat, spoke to each other telling each other to believe, trust in one another. and got up with no outcome. We were leaving when I suddenly realized, Oh my God, what is happening. we were so dear friends. I remembered and reminded her of the same and Thank God, we hugged and made it up.. We went back to the place we were fighting in and spoke well to each other. Thank you God for giving in the forgive button easily to friends. I am happy that things got solved.
Through all this, it just came to mind, had we been kids, we this would have ended earlier. But since we grew up, one thing led to another and the whole mess stood up.. And to add to the paradox, we then appeared kiddish to the world. When in reality, had we been kids, we would have made up much earlier..

Thursday, March 29, 2012


the more i think, write, make friends, the more the subject becomes variant, beautiful and nice. 
It was a long time I had made a new friend, specially after the baby. When suddenly this girl, Arpita entered my life. She is a girl full of blossoming smiles, caring for everyone, all good..That must also be a reason why she has so many friends. I should say, she became friends with me and I found comfort being with her. She was like the new friend I needed since ages almost.She had this magnetic charm to attract people around her. 
She was with me for around 3 months and then flew to London to her husband. 
I know there is Facebook these days, you don't actually loose touch with people. I felt sad that she was leaving. I was going to miss the everyday good morning smile, the loving hug. But she called today. I felt so happy, so ecstatic. Wow. 
It sometimes comes to my mind, these things matter so much in this world, where in we still are connected. The personal touch, the personal hello, of asking 'kaisi hai re?' - how are you doing with love and care is so very important.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Welcome back, Salil

wow!!what a day today. The morning was nice and happy for no reason. I simply felt a gush of happiness like i use to feel when in NID, when i used to be out ready to meet all my friends and be smiling and happy.
I went in for an afternoon stroll, just by chance (I normally don't due to time cram up) and a familiar voice called from behind. 'Sanmitra' oh my it was Salil. He is my friend and dear support from NID. I reacted like a little kid. I was soooo happy to see him.
I felt like I met a long lost brother or something like that.
I was so happy to see you!. I still cant stop smiling.
And this just came to my mind. Yes, If I am happy all by myself from the moment 1 of the day, I am gonna be happy forever. I was happy since morning and I attracted more happiness. It is something like the situation in 'The Secret'. It is about what you keep wishing, you keep getting it. If you wish for bad, then you get bad and if you wish good, you receive good.
Wow!, this is a great feeling. Thank you God!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

the provider's pain

I was trying to take my daughter to the creche today. She cried, and she did not want to come with me. She cried baba - baba, (father) she is a one and half year old. She still knew when i am dressed to go to office. She did not want to come to me. I felt so bad, so painful. She wanted to stay and bid me a good bye. Is this just the beginning of her growing up, or is it that she does not need me now. Or rather will not need me when grown up?
But why this need thing? why should i think that she should need me? or rather be with me forever? how much ever I love her. How much ever I do for her?
yes I remembered and tried to mug up these lines while coming to office, crying somberly below my sunglasses.
Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Act because you need to act – Paulo coehlo

but this really hard to digest. I am so much in love with my daughter, I somehow cannot take the no from her about her not want to love me back. Or only coming to me when needed. then it sometimes comes to my mind, am I just the provider? is there a provider for me for a change?

Friday, March 2, 2012

Celebrating Myself

Aaahhh!!! celebrating myself, should I dare to say, I want to do it one day!
I felt like doing that when I ranked topper in the SSC - the tenth standard, but could not really.
I felt like celebrating myself whenever i got an admission in an institution on my merits and not on a special requisition by some XYZ. I saw so many of my friends doing that.
I felt like celebrating myself when I got married to my love in spite of all the odds that exist when parents disagree to your alliance.
I felt like celebrating myself when I got through the entrance exam for National Institute of Design where I was one of the fifteen people to be selected from all the entrants.
I felt like celebrating myself, when out of those fifteen, I was the first one to get an internship/ project for completion of Post graduation, but couldn't as all others were friends.
I felt like celebrating when I had my first trip abroad to the internship on my own and not due to my husband like the other girls. 
I felt like celebrating myself when I got pregnant - got the biggest prize of humanity, a moving human in me.
I felt like celebrating when I delivered my child, a little girl, I felt like my mom came back to me. And today I feel like celebrating for my own spirit of endurance towards to success, with the unending urge to catch on the horizon with the ground reality of taking care of my little one, almost single handedly, loving her and getting so muccchhhh love in return.
I felt like celebrating when I stood in the photo for graduating from NID with my little one in my hands. My little one was already graduating with me.  

I know by now there might be people who feel this is being boastful of your own achievements, but this is truth. I have rarely celebrated being me. The sparkle in my mom's eyes whenever I achieved would be a great achievement-a celebration for me.

Today she is no longer around. The woman who taught me being me, being independent, striving to achieve.
I don't see the celebration anymore.I want to celebrate being a woman, as a tribute to her, to her who made me, who I am.

here's the link where I have posted this blog.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

what is a stranger?

Today on the valentine’s day, a friend of mine send me a message, “Arranged Marriage is such a funny concept, all your life you are taught not to talk to strangers and suddenly you are asked to sleep with one!” Funny as this might seem. I think it applies to a love marriage too. We fall in love, and claim to know the partner, but has anyone experienced of saying “ you were so different before marriage, you changed the moment we got married” I can bet everyone has. It is very difficult to say that the person in front of you is not a stranger/ you know everything about him/ her. You might know what happened in the life of your closest person’s life, say your sibling, but I don’t think that makes you know everything about the person.
I think this is because a person evolves as time passes. I just read about this in an article. Wherein a 50 something couple were arguing about whether or not to on the air-conditioner to the room for the holiday and quarreled. This was something / a preference – a different preference that they did not know about each other, as they developed two different tolerance levels simultaneously.
But sometimes it comes to my mind, that we are still going to continue living with strangers for our lives, maybe for the excitement it will create – good or bad depends on the individual choices.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

women and babies and men

'European Member of Parliament Takes Her Baby To Work......
Licia Ronzulli, an MEP from Italy, took her seven-week old daughter Victoria to work at the European parliament this week at Strasbourg. And this wasn’t even Take-Your-Child-to-Work day. She kept her baby carefully cradled against her in a sling and occasionally leant to kiss her on the forehead. Photographs of Ronzulli cradling her daughter in a sling as she voted on proposals to improve women's employment rights were broadcast around the world and published in newspapers from the US to Vietnam.'
just saw this on Facebook and this is what came to my mind.
I think it is more of the natural desire of a woman to have a baby. Why should a working woman keep away from having a baby.
I don't think she should be taking a break from work, unless her health does not permit her or if she does not desire to. In fact there should be a design proposed which should help her work hassle -free with the baby if she wishes to work.
Why should a woman take break in her career when she has a baby? I think that is bad for her career. yes I understand, the baby comes first- it should, but does this occur to men? aren't the babies their responsibility too?Has anyone noticed a picture of a man with his baby working as well?
Could a man be able to do this? I dont think so. I think fundamentally, men have a lesser ability of multitasking which woman have in abundance. Yes, naturally it must have been decided that the man goes gets food, while the woman takes care of the baby. But since we are humans, we love to evolve. And there we are with women who take of their babies and household too. Yes it is extremely difficult to walk this rope. But there is no choice in the world of men. I worked in the same way carrying my baby around for work, traveling here and there. Has anyone seen a man doing this (when he has a wife, i am not talking of widowers or divorcee men who don't have a choice than to do this.
I think day by day the challenges for women are increasing far more rapidly than to that for men. hence there should be more designs, thoughts and policies for working women with little cute ones with them.

Monday, January 9, 2012


today was the first day that my little one is gonna spend with her dad. I called up and my husband was really tired looking after her. He has a deadline too. I understand that. I have been through same situations when working from home and hence worked complete nights some time. But today i can understand and be empathetic with him. I can understand what is his state of mind.There are two ways - oh I need to take care of my kid,and OH i have so much work to complete. It almost took a year and half to understand how to handle this. Hence I can understand, that my husband must be really stressed now.
It sometimes comes to my mind, that in case of role reversals, on our minds, we tend to see, whether the other person can perform well in that role too. But here in deep down in my mind, I can empathize with him (my husband) since, I have been doing that. Somewhere the basic inability of guys to not to multitask is shown here. In the same way, I could not build up courage and became weak after child birth. I completely agree that it is a waste of a woman to be a man and the vice-versa is equally true. But today's environment leaves people with no choice. Since both the Husband and wife are working to earn their living, this is so much of an unavoidable situation.All this is so complex. And that is because we make it so much complex. The role reversal is so much complex.
Deep down my heart I am worried, that my husband should not be stressed and feel free to work or do whatever. The same that I feel.I think the reason for this is that love and care that we have for each other.But I guess, the current priority is the child.'we' are a unit and need to understand each other to remain so..

Thursday, January 5, 2012

the first talk

I spoke to my little angel for the first time today. Not that i never spoke before but i think she understood what i said today for the first time. She is not well since 4 days. But today she was able to sit as she is recovering. I told her- I promised her - I will be by her side, will not leave her alone. i will try my best to do everything possible for her so that she would not face the problems i did. so that she will live a more beautiful and better life. I told her grow biigggg!! be a successful person with a few hand gestures. And she signaled as though she understood everything..i felt so nice.. this was the first conversation we had..
it just comes to my mind, will she understand, did she understand? will she.... - nah I don't want to expect. This is gonna be a give-only-love relationship.And I love the way it is..I simply love the twinkle in her eyes, ever seen she is born- those two little shining black lights.. :)